The Invisible Broken Brain: Happy anniversary to the other side of me…

A good day on Friday. Another good day today.

We sat in the hospital, just waiting - most people find it very strange that that is the only time I become calm - just waiting to see my Human - my ‘sort of’ new plastic surgeon. Bara El-Khayat - his name reminds me of my friend, Sulayman. Another part in my mind…

“Hence it follows that to make a gift of something to someone is to make a present of some part of oneself.”

~ Marcel Mauss

It happens when visiting anyone from the cancer department. Renninson - my Mighty Hero. And Gail + Jacky - the beautiful clinical nurses who tried to help me speak after my brain injury. I was still far away inside my head. Still trying to understand anything. Making a cup of coffee was like trying to fly to the moon.

But even then, my brain was clawing my past. With the Beautiful People that kept me alive.

Whitfield down in scary Plymouth…Dr Chan - when I was dealing with spinal surgery. Wallace, who reworked my broken face 7 years back.

People who wish you to get better have become so trusting in my mind - over the years.

“The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower

our standards.” A sentence that has become resonance in me - for many years; struggling to read it. Trying to comprehend something that within, I understand. But without, I become disturbed.

Not all people are honest. A thing that is a new thing for me.

Surprisingly, many people lie.

I detest lying. #rage

It has taken me a very long time to understand that.

‘scientists dream of doing great things. Engineers do them’ - my dad was one of those, so the images + ideas from Dr Ciléin Kearns fill my mind. Sitting in the hospital looking at information created by an artist. Which somehow sends something into those new pieces in my brain that are not supposed to be there…

Have never seen another actual engineer giving input on who created the titanium plate + how the surgeons hope the brain can remain above infection by installing it in the correct place.

Hence parts in the skull being replaced + reinstalled can become #broken - engineering disasters often arise from shortcuts in the design process. In surgery we don’t have engineers.

And surgeons do not make shortcuts.

We have surgeons who try their utter best.

And keep you alive in whatever way that they can.

Surgery cannot create aphasia. The brain 🧠 has its own invisible fashion of being slightly sneaky. Losing things. Breaking things. Like treading on egg shells.

But Friday was good. Past the fright of having #Botox. Remaining calm.

Knowing that I am within the long list of surgery for Humans who need help.

I am at last understanding that I expected too much from others. Remembering that there are so few - very few - people that follow that code. My own philosophy. From before my brain injury. But still - moving forward.

The FH deals with that everyday.

That hard side that is not remotely ‘inspiring’. That side that no one sees. Aphasia is not notable. It is invisible. It helps others to feel happy that I ‘am amazing’.

Survival within. 1 in 59.

So. The best thing today, on a Tuesday; my backup + I are on our 23rd anniversary

Got married and stayed married.

Our gifts to one another: hubris. The extreme self-belief in our ability’s to stand, back to back against the world. Fighting for our lives - forever.

A lot of things to think about when your brain keeps on battling. Now, moving. Again. Backup.

For my FH - my heart:

“Promise me you'll always remember:

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and

smarter than you think.”

~ A.A. Milne

It has never occurred to me, no matter how far I had gone within my broken brain, that the FH would become invisible like aphasia.

We have our own personal code - love is not a feeling of happiness, it is a willingness to sacrifice. Our sacrifice keeps us alive.

“Just follow me and run like your life depends on it. Because it does.”

~ The Maze Runner

Happy anniversary to the other side of me…

#myhero #identity #art #arttherapy