Trying to think - logically

I keep doing pages for this blog. And I never get to the end. So you never see them. I have no self esteem. I feel discarded. Ugly. Not able to read what I have written - nor write quickly; trying for hours. It sucks. Mostly.

But sometimes you get a massive jolt. It is a roughly shaken push. A crash within your mind. Somewhere in your brain. Because sometimes you realise that surviving cancer, then surviving the massive brain injury and a few more little fun sidebars, still leaves many things that can affect you. Waking up is quite scary some days.

Specifically if you want to help others, and it is very hard.

I think that soon I will have to stop reading and watching the News. Not because it’s too hard to understand. Not because it is hard to read. #aphasia

No. But because seeing what is going on in India is horrendous. Many are desperate to find some form of help...and there is almost none.

Living in our country is interesting. People *complain* about almost everything. 

No one seems to really understand how grateful we should be.

Whining about creating new houses and not noticing our incredible hospitals - our doctors - our nurses - our police - our British government...space. Lack of funds - almost everywhere. People battling on to keep there families, friends - working colleagues. All trying to go forward with the COVID-19. Which, apparently, will ‘disappear’ eventually. Perhaps cancer will do that too? Eventually? Sorry to be sarcastic, but really? 

Many news reports are spoken by liars. Which makes me so angry at the news! And the journalists. Tut tut. 

So. Almost everything is there to look after us all. And NO it’s not perfect. How could it EVER be perfect. It has people.

At this point [and no, I am not religious] it breaks my heart to see the amount of people dying. In other country’s. In our own.

As it is difficult to give proper help in another country, when we need to do that here too.

So perhaps we should all consider what we really have. And stop whining!

And send what some people would call prayers. Others creating intercession for others by simply keeping them in one’s mind.

“Be careful” is not just physically - being careful for and of #everyone in any way is harder. Crying does not help.

But still. It is heartbreaking. I hold them in my heart. And I am so happy to be alive.

 

a bad week

This week has been one of those weeks. 

When your head is almost on fire with rage and upset and distress.

When your heart breaks because everything seems to go wrong.

Bad week. 

Life post my Brain Injury

Fury

/ˈfjʊəri/

noun

noun: fury; plural noun: furies; noun: Fury; plural noun: Furies

1. 1. 

   wild or violent anger.

   "tears of fury and frustration"

   • extreme strength or violence in an action or a natural phenomenon.
     
2. "the fury of a gathering storm"

   
   
3. 3. 

   GREEK MYTHOLOGY

   a spirit of punishment, often represented as one of three goddesses who pronounced curses on the guilty and inflicted famines and pestilences. The Furies were identified at an early date with the Eumenides.
   

   Phrases

   like fury — with great energy or effort.

   "she fought like fury in his arms"

Adjusting to 'Life post my Brain Injury'. Even now, 6 years later...but at this stage, I am [at last] understanding what life is actually about. 6 years has made a lot of difference in the world. And in people. And in me.

Most of the time, I am trundling along, hoping for the best. Moving forward. Hoping that new people that I meet will become friends. Or neighbours. On just people you can speak too when you are working in you garden and they walk past.

But quite a lot of people are not like that any more.

They are about as interesting as having half your head removed. 

As your brain has been totally battered, then perhaps when you start to recover, as you look for help, in small ways, it doesn't really happen.

Because, surprising [for me] a lot of people are extremely unpleasant.

They are not like animals. They do not understand the pack.

Animals hunt their prey by working together with other members of its species. But humans?

They lie.
They deceive.
They scandal behind your back.
They discard you - like rotten fish.

And - such fun darling! They talk about you as if you will never understand what they have said. Because we struggle to grasp things immediately. We have to ask. We need a bit of patience. But that doesn't happen all the time.

Because you are a ''Stupid'' person in their eyes [but they never say that out loud…] - that is what happens when you have a brain injury. Life changes so much.

Small piece of advice, all you who have a massive brain injury; always hope for the best. But never rely on people unless you know absolutely that you can trust them.

In your life after traumatic brain injury, you have to ask for help.

And some times, others are just too busy. A tad distressful. But hey - onward and upward. Right?

 Traumatic Brain Injury. What? And yes - I am rather a bore about this. 😊

Anyone who would like to know what really happened to all those people you know [or don't know] that had a brain 'injury'.

Perhaps you noticed it on the news - in a film...at the bus stop...you look at people who look all weird. All broken. Friends tell you about 'people they know' that had such an 'awful' time. But they are ok now!

Of course they are. Most of the time the facts are 'invisible'. Sometimes the word 'invisible' changes into 'ignoring'.

A lot of these people struggle. Perhaps they can't speak. Or count. Or grasp a fast conversation mentally; or understand in a moment. Or read. Aphasia is very sutle really, unless you ask. A lot of us can't understand numbers. That really so sucks. Buying things is very chuckalicious. Not.

Or no-one bothers to see if they need a little help because asking for something - even a bus ticket - can be very very HARD!!

You who have never had a massive, traumatic brain injury - have a read sweetie pie. Because you CAN read. Try to get your head around the fact that it could actually happen to you...it's a little bit like having cancer. But harder.

And I can assure you - I speak with complete honesty about that. I have been through both.

I will always have the jolly aphasia.
That I can manage. Now.

I have actually stopped becoming horrendously violent. It has taken nearly 6 years for me to actually understand that shooting people is not allowed…heh heh

The interesting change of everything that happened while I was dying of a massive brain injury...it has been hard. But - onward and upward. Forever.

Saying to any of us who have this forever non stop #brain injury, ''but you look GREAT'' - it is not very useful. [note: polite remark by the Sarcastic Moi, right?]. Right.

We need people to understand that our lives have changed.

We are frightened. We are afraid. 😶
Useless.
We feed so awful. We need help - but it is hard to ask. Especially when people are too busy.

We want to find and see our old friends; our family; neighbours; people that we worked with - that they might suddenly come out with: ''hey - we read an article - now we have a small idea of what really happened! Just tell us what is really happening for you now. Can't we give you a hand?''

But that does not often happen - everyone thinks that either they can't cope with dealing with it, or they pretend that we really MUST seem fine…🤦‍♀️

If you would like to read and interesting article, please have a look here: 
Traumatic Brain Injury

Let me know what you think. Could be interesting for me that's for sure.

P.S.: The MRI scan was great this year, as all the aneurisms I have in my head have stopped moving / growing etc. Big yay!! Loving my surgeon…