Happy anniversary Sandhy!

I died on the 19th of May, 2014: I suffered from a subarachnoid haemorrhage in my brain - called the subarachnoid space. The space was filled up with blood.

It was everywhere inside my head. My neck. A lot of blood. For over 15 hours. Dying. Quietly. 7 years ago now.

I had a horrific, unimaginable headache that pushed me into a coma. I never even knew. With those type of headaches, no one remembers them. They are beyond saving sometimes.

But I helped my own survival - I left the building. Waiting for help.

My brain has 6 aneurysms. One [the worse one] of the subarachnoid haemorrhage area was clipped. The other has been bandaged. The others are still sitting in my wonderful head. Fingers crossed. Thank goodness they check it every year.

I have a titanium plate in my head. I hit that head a lot. My mind does not look or see. It waits for the brain to tell it. So - a lot of painful bangs on my poor head. At least I don't cry every time now. I can used the mind a little more. Better than hoping someone will stand in front of me all the time - I would probably be rather violent. I always try my best. Always.

But sometimes? No one understands. And at last, I understand that. I understand that people think I am stupid. Slow. Unattractive - such awful lack of self now…

Anyway. The subarachnoid haemorrhage and the Brain went on causing quick death - so I also had a minimal stroke 4 days later.

Today, on the 19th May 2021, I am still here.

My FH went to work.

Today I spent the day alone.

Because I remember this now. Piece by terrifying piece. It has taken a long time - and it's hard.

But - I am still here. And my FH is too.

So! Happy anniversary to my FH - and: happy anniversary Sandhy! You have survived three times now - once through ovarian cancer. Secondly, having a 4 hour operation after 15 hours lying on the ground in a coma. Waiting. And third was the bloody stroke. Not being able to run. More help in my head…but it did wake me up!

Surviving. 

''The face surrounded by lots of hair. The face without Bells Palsy – the face before all this BS cancer stuff happened – and to think I was complaining then!!

The old face I had was actually rather a nice one actually. Ah vanity vanity...''

           

       

Trying to think - logically

I keep doing pages for this blog. And I never get to the end. So you never see them. I have no self esteem. I feel discarded. Ugly. Not able to read what I have written - nor write quickly; trying for hours. It sucks. Mostly.

But sometimes you get a massive jolt. It is a roughly shaken push. A crash within your mind. Somewhere in your brain. Because sometimes you realise that surviving cancer, then surviving the massive brain injury and a few more little fun sidebars, still leaves many things that can affect you. Waking up is quite scary some days.

Specifically if you want to help others, and it is very hard.

I think that soon I will have to stop reading and watching the News. Not because it’s too hard to understand. Not because it is hard to read. #aphasia

No. But because seeing what is going on in India is horrendous. Many are desperate to find some form of help...and there is almost none.

Living in our country is interesting. People *complain* about almost everything. 

No one seems to really understand how grateful we should be.

Whining about creating new houses and not noticing our incredible hospitals - our doctors - our nurses - our police - our British government...space. Lack of funds - almost everywhere. People battling on to keep there families, friends - working colleagues. All trying to go forward with the COVID-19. Which, apparently, will ‘disappear’ eventually. Perhaps cancer will do that too? Eventually? Sorry to be sarcastic, but really? 

Many news reports are spoken by liars. Which makes me so angry at the news! And the journalists. Tut tut. 

So. Almost everything is there to look after us all. And NO it’s not perfect. How could it EVER be perfect. It has people.

At this point [and no, I am not religious] it breaks my heart to see the amount of people dying. In other country’s. In our own.

As it is difficult to give proper help in another country, when we need to do that here too.

So perhaps we should all consider what we really have. And stop whining!

And send what some people would call prayers. Others creating intercession for others by simply keeping them in one’s mind.

“Be careful” is not just physically - being careful for and of #everyone in any way is harder. Crying does not help.

But still. It is heartbreaking. I hold them in my heart. And I am so happy to be alive.