I will survive...

Running through my memories - I love that. Note. Sarcasm.  

Ovarian cancer
Bells palsy
Coccygectomy
Brain injury

Again, a particularly stressful few years before my brain injury [see Ovarian cancer?? pass the wine...now!] - thinking about not to take life for granted - so I am using the words of others - but getting the idea across...

Here is an excerpt from Steve Jobs’s 2005 commencement speech that mentions his philosophy of living each day as if it were his last.
A hard thing to get ones head around.

Try. I survived. 

Twice. 

Because every moment in life is valuable - so don't let it be taken away - hold on to life - with rage.
Cognitive reserve...

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"Life is full of surprises. You’ll never know for certain what your future will look like. You’ll never know where you end up or what you’ll accomplish in the next few years. You’ll never know who you will befriend, what you will experience, how you will feel…

If you only had 24 hours to live, you wouldn’t ever think about laying on your bed all day eating Doritos, watching mindless content on YouTube or scrolling through Instagram all day.

You’d realize how much time you’d spent on things you never cared about which made you feel good in the present, but would never amount to anything in the future.

We’d love a little more time to finally be able to say the honest truth; things you would never have thought of sharing about yourself without the thought of your impending death.

You won’t take your time for granted and would only pay attention to the things that are most important to you. You have no time to waste, because your life can end any minute."

~ Steve Jobs
1955 - 2011


Ovarian Cancer Action

Day 2 - see how I go...

#blogpost01
#day02

Putting anything on Instagram has become the "You Will Follow The Leader " plan. 

Written posts are constantly re-copied...or creating reels [reels invite you to create fun videos!] Ah - immersive videos. Educate your audience! Ho-hum. 👾

Creating a NEW #socialmedia account? Hmm - unless you have the time to remain relevant + fixated [24/7] - or, if your mindset cannot find or comprehend those #copyandpaste words? Nor find realism to pass out to the masses?

Oh yes! Do be sure not to say words that are now #verboten: [not permitted or allowed : forbidden or prohibited by (or as if by) **AUTHORITY**] ✍🏻
Anybody met that astounding Human who has the Power (or right) to Give Orders to all of Us? I don't think so... 🤨💬

Sometimes, #aphasia can help [I know - a startling thought, to say the least] as copying online is easy. If you can read other peoples words in an instant.

Between my brain 🧠+ my mind 🤯? I still can't 'copy' unless it is spreading something that I feel is true.
And to comprehend well? That is 24/7 without social media.
Spelling? Extremely interesting if it is incorrect.

My social media attack is now dreadful. Because I can't lie. Ever. 

So. You may say:
• #thatsamazing • #thatsinspirational • #youlookamazing • #selflove 🙄

#loveandadorable #beautiful #happy #lookinggood #follow

So - I have discovered something astounding. FB is more interesting.

Perhaps taking 8 years to get to the point of reading more than 2 lines before standing back to reappraise and assess?
Or perhaps my brain is simply still moving forward. 🧠☺️

One day, I may be able to read a book again. 📚👩🏼‍🏫
A book that takes away all the sadness 😭 - reading fiction! Reading allows your imagination to become engaged. Connecting emotionally to characters. Reflecting ones own feelings, problems [!] and desires - as you read.

So. One day. Determined. 👩🏻‍🦳👩🏼‍💻👸🏼

Happy anniversary Sandhy!

I died on the 19th of May, 2014: I suffered from a subarachnoid haemorrhage in my brain - called the subarachnoid space. The space was filled up with blood.

It was everywhere inside my head. My neck. A lot of blood. For over 15 hours. Dying. Quietly. 7 years ago now.

I had a horrific, unimaginable headache that pushed me into a coma. I never even knew. With those type of headaches, no one remembers them. They are beyond saving sometimes.

But I helped my own survival - I left the building. Waiting for help.

My brain has 6 aneurysms. One [the worse one] of the subarachnoid haemorrhage area was clipped. The other has been bandaged. The others are still sitting in my wonderful head. Fingers crossed. Thank goodness they check it every year.

I have a titanium plate in my head. I hit that head a lot. My mind does not look or see. It waits for the brain to tell it. So - a lot of painful bangs on my poor head. At least I don't cry every time now. I can used the mind a little more. Better than hoping someone will stand in front of me all the time - I would probably be rather violent. I always try my best. Always.

But sometimes? No one understands. And at last, I understand that. I understand that people think I am stupid. Slow. Unattractive - such awful lack of self now…

Anyway. The subarachnoid haemorrhage and the Brain went on causing quick death - so I also had a minimal stroke 4 days later.

Today, on the 19th May 2021, I am still here.

My FH went to work.

Today I spent the day alone.

Because I remember this now. Piece by terrifying piece. It has taken a long time - and it's hard.

But - I am still here. And my FH is too.

So! Happy anniversary to my FH - and: happy anniversary Sandhy! You have survived three times now - once through ovarian cancer. Secondly, having a 4 hour operation after 15 hours lying on the ground in a coma. Waiting. And third was the bloody stroke. Not being able to run. More help in my head…but it did wake me up!

Surviving. 

''The face surrounded by lots of hair. The face without Bells Palsy – the face before all this BS cancer stuff happened – and to think I was complaining then!!

The old face I had was actually rather a nice one actually. Ah vanity vanity...''

           

       

Trying to think - logically

I keep doing pages for this blog. And I never get to the end. So you never see them. I have no self esteem. I feel discarded. Ugly. Not able to read what I have written - nor write quickly; trying for hours. It sucks. Mostly.

But sometimes you get a massive jolt. It is a roughly shaken push. A crash within your mind. Somewhere in your brain. Because sometimes you realise that surviving cancer, then surviving the massive brain injury and a few more little fun sidebars, still leaves many things that can affect you. Waking up is quite scary some days.

Specifically if you want to help others, and it is very hard.

I think that soon I will have to stop reading and watching the News. Not because it’s too hard to understand. Not because it is hard to read. #aphasia

No. But because seeing what is going on in India is horrendous. Many are desperate to find some form of help...and there is almost none.

Living in our country is interesting. People *complain* about almost everything. 

No one seems to really understand how grateful we should be.

Whining about creating new houses and not noticing our incredible hospitals - our doctors - our nurses - our police - our British government...space. Lack of funds - almost everywhere. People battling on to keep there families, friends - working colleagues. All trying to go forward with the COVID-19. Which, apparently, will ‘disappear’ eventually. Perhaps cancer will do that too? Eventually? Sorry to be sarcastic, but really? 

Many news reports are spoken by liars. Which makes me so angry at the news! And the journalists. Tut tut. 

So. Almost everything is there to look after us all. And NO it’s not perfect. How could it EVER be perfect. It has people.

At this point [and no, I am not religious] it breaks my heart to see the amount of people dying. In other country’s. In our own.

As it is difficult to give proper help in another country, when we need to do that here too.

So perhaps we should all consider what we really have. And stop whining!

And send what some people would call prayers. Others creating intercession for others by simply keeping them in one’s mind.

“Be careful” is not just physically - being careful for and of #everyone in any way is harder. Crying does not help.

But still. It is heartbreaking. I hold them in my heart. And I am so happy to be alive.

 

a bad week

This week has been one of those weeks. 

When your head is almost on fire with rage and upset and distress.

When your heart breaks because everything seems to go wrong.

Bad week. 

Life post my Brain Injury

Fury

/ˈfjʊəri/

noun

noun: fury; plural noun: furies; noun: Fury; plural noun: Furies

1. 1. 

   wild or violent anger.

   "tears of fury and frustration"

   • extreme strength or violence in an action or a natural phenomenon.
     
2. "the fury of a gathering storm"

   
   
3. 3. 

   GREEK MYTHOLOGY

   a spirit of punishment, often represented as one of three goddesses who pronounced curses on the guilty and inflicted famines and pestilences. The Furies were identified at an early date with the Eumenides.
   

   Phrases

   like fury — with great energy or effort.

   "she fought like fury in his arms"

Adjusting to 'Life post my Brain Injury'. Even now, 6 years later...but at this stage, I am [at last] understanding what life is actually about. 6 years has made a lot of difference in the world. And in people. And in me.

Most of the time, I am trundling along, hoping for the best. Moving forward. Hoping that new people that I meet will become friends. Or neighbours. On just people you can speak too when you are working in you garden and they walk past.

But quite a lot of people are not like that any more.

They are about as interesting as having half your head removed. 

As your brain has been totally battered, then perhaps when you start to recover, as you look for help, in small ways, it doesn't really happen.

Because, surprising [for me] a lot of people are extremely unpleasant.

They are not like animals. They do not understand the pack.

Animals hunt their prey by working together with other members of its species. But humans?

They lie.
They deceive.
They scandal behind your back.
They discard you - like rotten fish.

And - such fun darling! They talk about you as if you will never understand what they have said. Because we struggle to grasp things immediately. We have to ask. We need a bit of patience. But that doesn't happen all the time.

Because you are a ''Stupid'' person in their eyes [but they never say that out loud…] - that is what happens when you have a brain injury. Life changes so much.

Small piece of advice, all you who have a massive brain injury; always hope for the best. But never rely on people unless you know absolutely that you can trust them.

In your life after traumatic brain injury, you have to ask for help.

And some times, others are just too busy. A tad distressful. But hey - onward and upward. Right?