A good day on
Friday. Another good day today.
We sat in the
hospital, just waiting - most people find it very strange that that is the only
time I become calm - just waiting to see my Human - my ‘sort of’ new plastic
surgeon. Bara El-Khayat - his name reminds me of my friend, Sulayman. Another
part in my mind…
“Hence it
follows that to make a gift of something to someone is to make a present of
some part of oneself.”
~ Marcel
Mauss
It happens
when visiting anyone from the cancer department. Renninson - my Mighty Hero.
And Gail + Jacky - the beautiful clinical nurses who tried to help me speak
after my brain injury. I was still far away inside my head. Still trying to
understand anything. Making a cup of coffee was like trying to fly to the moon.
But even
then, my brain was clawing my past. With the Beautiful People that kept me
alive.
Whitfield
down in scary Plymouth…Dr Chan - when I was dealing with spinal surgery.
Wallace, who reworked my broken face 7 years back.
People who
wish you to get better have become so trusting in my mind - over the years.
“The people
we surround ourselves with either raise or lower
our
standards.” A sentence that has become resonance in me - for many years;
struggling to read it. Trying to comprehend something that within, I
understand. But without, I become disturbed.
Not all
people are honest. A thing that is a new thing for me.
Surprisingly,
many people lie.
I detest
lying. #rage
It has taken
me a very long time to understand that.
‘scientists
dream of doing great things. Engineers do them’ - my dad was one of those, so
the images + ideas from Dr Ciléin Kearns fill my mind. Sitting in the hospital
looking at information created by an artist. Which somehow sends something into
those new pieces in my brain that are not supposed to be there…
Have never
seen another actual engineer giving input on who created the titanium plate +
how the surgeons hope the brain can remain above infection by installing it in
the correct place.
Hence parts
in the skull being replaced + reinstalled can become #broken - engineering disasters often
arise from shortcuts in the design process. In surgery we don’t have engineers.
And surgeons
do not make shortcuts.
We have
surgeons who try their utter best.
And keep you
alive in whatever way that they can.
Surgery
cannot create aphasia. The brain 🧠 has its own invisible fashion of being slightly sneaky. Losing
things. Breaking things. Like treading on egg shells.
But Friday
was good. Past the fright of having #Botox. Remaining calm.
Knowing that
I am within the long list of surgery for Humans who need help.
I am at last
understanding that I expected too much from others. Remembering that there are
so few - very few - people that follow that code. My own philosophy. From
before my brain injury. But still - moving forward.
The FH deals
with that everyday.
That hard
side that is not remotely ‘inspiring’. That side that no one sees. Aphasia is
not notable. It is invisible. It helps others to feel happy that I ‘am
amazing’.
Survival within.
1 in 59.
So. The best
thing today, on a Tuesday; my backup + I are on our 23rd anniversary
Got married
and stayed married.
Our gifts to
one another: hubris. The extreme self-belief in our ability’s to stand, back to
back against the world. Fighting for our lives - forever.
A lot of
things to think about when your brain keeps on battling. Now, moving. Again.
Backup.
For my FH -
my heart:
“Promise me
you'll always remember:
You're braver
than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and
smarter than
you think.”
~ A.A. Milne
It has never
occurred to me, no matter how far I had gone within my broken brain, that the
FH would become invisible like aphasia.
We have our
own personal code - love is not a feeling of happiness, it is a willingness to sacrifice.
Our sacrifice keeps us alive.
“Just follow
me and run like your life depends on it. Because it does.”
~ The Maze
Runner
Happy
anniversary to the other side of me…
x
#myhero #identity #art #arttherapy
#movingtribe
#recovery #hubris
#underthesurface
#understanding #movingon
#theself #ego
#id #braininjuryart
#braininjury
#aphasia #everyage #infinity #communicationiskey
#tbi
#braininjuryrecovery #abi #anniversary
