Having #aphasia - being utterly boring...

If you would like to really understand another persons extreme change in the mental, physical and lack of confidence [ha - rather understated...zero confidence], see my own ‘report’ on me - about having aphasia. It was so much easier to tell people all about ovarian cancer. Because I could think comprehensively  - I employed humanism. I loved everyone.

In my mind, people should embrace other human achievements in education, classical arts, literature, science...all the things that I loved. And still love. For others - not simply for yourself.

I could read. Once. I would understand in a millisecond...chatter about anything. Book, design, countries I went off to work in and lived in - people whom I knew, understood and loved. Or at least emphasised. Giving others importance. Making other peoples ideas more clearly defined. Argue. Discuss. I loved it. And the people I met love me back.

Firstly - LOOK IT UP! It is not something that we ‘get over’. We get a bit better. If we are lucky. Myself? Hmm.

So, I have that, plus [tada] a big fat interesting chaos inside my marvellous head. There is the Mind. And, the is the Brain. 

My cunning plot is to make sure that when I try to use a word, and I don’t “understand” or “remember” the word [but I KNOW I know that bloody word....] I make sure that I get that word out of my mind, into the “I Refuse” #brain. 

Then; repeat. All day. 

Today I suddenly had the word: eTHa. And I knew it. But I couldn’t definite it. Or spell it. 🤬

It is a very interesting word. A common activator of Thiocarbamide - containing drugs acting on different Mycobacterial targets. Things you learn at high school. And when you have interesting drugs that you take for “mental Anything attacks”.

It used to be a chemical compound. Ethanol. Volatile. Definitely volatility in my that it ‘goes away’. Anyway - another day with many things happening...another word slapped onto the aphasia, and happily put back in my mind.

#onwardandupward

Happy anniversary Sandhy!

I died on the 19th of May, 2014: I suffered from a subarachnoid haemorrhage in my brain - called the subarachnoid space. The space was filled up with blood.

It was everywhere inside my head. My neck. A lot of blood. For over 15 hours. Dying. Quietly. 7 years ago now.

I had a horrific, unimaginable headache that pushed me into a coma. I never even knew. With those type of headaches, no one remembers them. They are beyond saving sometimes.

But I helped my own survival - I left the building. Waiting for help.

My brain has 6 aneurysms. One [the worse one] of the subarachnoid haemorrhage area was clipped. The other has been bandaged. The others are still sitting in my wonderful head. Fingers crossed. Thank goodness they check it every year.

I have a titanium plate in my head. I hit that head a lot. My mind does not look or see. It waits for the brain to tell it. So - a lot of painful bangs on my poor head. At least I don't cry every time now. I can used the mind a little more. Better than hoping someone will stand in front of me all the time - I would probably be rather violent. I always try my best. Always.

But sometimes? No one understands. And at last, I understand that. I understand that people think I am stupid. Slow. Unattractive - such awful lack of self now…

Anyway. The subarachnoid haemorrhage and the Brain went on causing quick death - so I also had a minimal stroke 4 days later.

Today, on the 19th May 2021, I am still here.

My FH went to work.

Today I spent the day alone.

Because I remember this now. Piece by terrifying piece. It has taken a long time - and it's hard.

But - I am still here. And my FH is too.

So! Happy anniversary to my FH - and: happy anniversary Sandhy! You have survived three times now - once through ovarian cancer. Secondly, having a 4 hour operation after 15 hours lying on the ground in a coma. Waiting. And third was the bloody stroke. Not being able to run. More help in my head…but it did wake me up!

Surviving. 

''The face surrounded by lots of hair. The face without Bells Palsy – the face before all this BS cancer stuff happened – and to think I was complaining then!!

The old face I had was actually rather a nice one actually. Ah vanity vanity...''

           

       

patience gains the day...

This week my #brilliantbrain found a fabulous 'new' word...'retrospect'! 

Getting ''new words'' is a rather interesting thing for aphasia people, as we all know, all these words were in our brains initially, all our life. Until I had a brain 'injury' [that word really is irritating]

But with this? Ha. Half the time, we can't remember our own names. And NO...this doesn't happen to us all 'as we get older'. When people say that? Not too clever.

Something that I have not been capable of doing for 7 years. Capture the words that I have sort of lost. It just doesn’t stop moving forward with the things that are inside my head - but hidden away. Softly, softly, catchee monkey....

Last night I watched 'the Officer and a Gentleman' - a wonderful old film with Richard Gere and Debra Winger. And so many memories popped into my head from that time in 1982! 

And I am SO happy that even NOW my #mind and my #brain STILL recollect things that I thought I had lost.

Lord Baden-Powell also said: "don’t flurry; patience gains the day." Sometimes it is hard to proceed 'cautiously' in order to achieve you own objectives. I am horribly impatient. I certainly 'flurry' - a lot...I have always thought that life is so short! So many things to see and do. So many wonderful people to meet. 

And yet. After ones life changes - there are so many people who are rather uninteresting - they distress others in their own thoughtlessness.

And like doing all the things you did before the horrendous brain operation. Sometimes I feel I have become lost. 

But I am very impatient. Sometimes angry. Despairing. Sad. Violent.

Other days? I am the happiest person in the world. 

#gettingbetter #braininjury #survivor #aphasia