''there are so many people like you…''

So - now I am still trying to create my 'blog'. I think. What IS a blog anyway? Maybe what I should actually say is that I want to try to understand what happened to me on the day that I started to die.

At the moment, I have an #aRt project on a Thursday, copying alphabet animals by our wonderful art chap, Stuart. They were originally done by a woman, Casey Gerard. It’s been very interesting for me.

One thing - I have always had an amazing mind set about life. It's MY life - and it cannot be deleted by anyone or anything other than me. Hence - I refuse to die unless I say so. I have such a sense of humour right?

Recently, someone said to me that ''there are so many people like you with this brain 'injury' Sandhy!'. Hmm. Chuckalicious. Injury?

To be fair, if this does not happen to you - you can never really understand what happened to me, as A: we are all different, B: some things are far worse that one can ever understand. Unless they or you have it. And - hopefully - they or you will not.

It is something you cannot study for. You cannot 'imagine' how we feel. So don't be a smart arse and think you know. You don't. You have an idea.

The best - people who try to find out. Find out from you, what actually happened. If you know. I do not know a lot. Yet. But there are a lot of pages [360 pages to be exact] with all the sensible stuff on it. Things written by nurses. Doctors. Surgeons.

We paid £50.00 for a copy a few years back. But I could not read it. Or understand it. I now have a far better comprehension. And I know how to ask.

I would not wish what happened to me upon anyone. No matter what. When I had cancer, the way of dealing with it and communicating across it - talking to others who had the exact same thing…it was something that I could cope with well.

Having a massive operation. Having chemotherapy - meeting people who helped immensely. They tell you almost exactly what is going to happen. If I was worried, concerned - I had a number to call. If  I was lonely - I had friends to call, and they called me. I changed my life - and moved on. I was so pleased - and so happy. We dealt with it - my wonderful FH and me. Family. Some friends.

But to understand what happened to my brain? Well, I have to understand what happened and then I have to try to get YOU to understand. That is not particularly because of me - I am the same as I have always been in some ways [not all the same as I was before - I never used to lose it…] but I have all ways loved to help others.

Living in different countries with completely different types of people - different things that happen because the places give you different path ways. And the incredible people that you meet - they stay with you for always.

But when people tell me that there are ''so MANY people like you Sandhy''? That type of remark would have made me quite violent a few years back. And that is not a little 'be worried' remark. I became quite violent in the hospital. Through no ones fault - my head needed fixing - my brain and my mind. I needed to come back. But it takes so long.

Incredibly, I was Sectioned. Because I was determined to leave, I was kept in the hospital under the Mental Health Act. And I would not take the 'very powerful medication'.

I have always detested taking medication. And in looking back - I am very, very glad I refused. Incredibly, I cannot remember refusing - I could not speak much. I wasn't really 'there' yet. And not being able to speak - it is possibly the worse thing to happen to you in many ways.

Try to spend ONE day without speaking. AT ALL. See how you go. It is incredibly frustrating.

So I image I swore at everyone, and refused. I suppose not being able to say 'no' - makes you so afraid. You cannot make a refusal, if you cannot say 'no'. Ever.

So - a rather large apology for my beautiful hospital people. Honestly? I was not there. But I am now!

But - this is looking forward. This is after the beginning. Tut tut - as per, I am wandering about in my brain, getting ahead of myself.

I had no way to speak up properly and say; ''NO - you have no idea. You are not in my head. You do not ask. You think [this is also a good one…] that I look fine! And amazing!'' - sorry. But that's quite distressing. For weeks.

The one thing I have learned - getting better takes a LONG time. All our lives we rush and run. We hurry.

I have actually learned to look at what I have achieved - and in the last 6 years I've done pretty well. I think.